Sounds of the Birds and the Moat

Moon: 1st; Cancer

What Made Me Smile: My friend getting the letter I left in her mailbox.

Song In My Head: The Pretty Reckless - Nothing Left to Lose

Hi all,

I hope you still know I exist. It's been a year...almost a year and a half...since I last wrote here. But I want to try and get back into it. I miss blogging for real. I have a tumblr, but it's for angry, one word posts and lots of pictures of Miley Cyrus and Henry Cavill. This blog used to be something that I truly cherished. I knew that I could talk about my daily life, my religion, my eating disorder, all freely. I never felt afraid of it and I want that comfort again.

Well, I've been living in The Netherlands this past semester, since the end of January. I'm on a Study Abroad program for school. I'm in my sophomore year and I go home in about ten days. I wish I could take one paragraph to tell you all about it, but I can't. These past few months have done horrible and wonderful things to me. I'll sum it up as best as I can in a few paragraphs.

I've been to Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, Krakow, London, Nice and a dozen little places in between. I saw the horrors of Auschwitz firsthand, and fell in love with an Australian Matt Damon look-a-like in London. I got over my homesickness in Prague Castle, and got a sunburn on the mediterranean in the south of France. I learned enough French to get me around in Nice, and I explored history from Hitler to the Cold War in Berlin. I've made so many friends and gotten through so much.

I've had eating disorder relapses, and recoveries, and more relapses. I'm in a recovery phase now and so far, so good. Sometimes it lasts a few weeks, sometimes it lasts a few hours. But I'm working through it one day at a time. And I know that as soon as I get home it will be a little bit better.

I had a huge, huge bout of homesickness in February. I was crying, depressed. I didn't want to see anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I didn't want to travel. I was throwing up. A lot. Prague and London pulled me out of it. After Spring break I was happier again. I was feeling 'me' again. As for practicing...I haven' t been. I really can't. I'm living in a castle for crying out loud. I can't exactly burn candles or incense. And my roommate is very Christian. I have a little buddha statue on my desk, among a few crystals and stones and a corked bottle of salt. I sit outside on a blanket and feel the sun on my neck and hear the birds and ducks converse. I try to get to the lake to just sit with nature. It's all I can to do stay sane.

I've been listening to country music like a crazy person. I've had realizations. I have goals in life. I want to work for a magazine. Like Seventeen or Marie Claire. I want to be a back-up singer or back-up dancer. I want to settle down somewhere in the south (not TOO south like - Virginia...in the north) have a beautiful victorian house with three kids and a husband who loves to work outside. I used to only want to adopt children. But as I recover from my eating disorders, I'm thinking more about what it would be like to have a child of my very own. That will be my recover point. When I feel as if I can have a child, bear a child, and not feel bad or guilty about weight gain, then I will be fully recovered.

I don't know if you guys have heard about Demi Lovato. She went into treatment in November citing "physical and emotional issues". Fans recognized her eating disorder and cutting. We'd all seen it. She's out now, and I couldn't be more proud of her for taking the step she needed to get better. She's back and more beautiful than ever. She's pairing up with Seventeen magazine to be a contributing editor and help out girls who may be going through similar issues. She is truly a hero of mine. And I've already designed my next tattoo, in honor of her, that I'm getting this summer as my 20th birthday gift to myself. And I hope it reminds me that recovery is where I want to be.

I'm back here because I've been using stumbleupon to find some new spiritual/pagan/wiccan websites that might lead me to some inspiration. I'm truly a spiritual being at heart. I've been doing yoga more again and trying to get back to good meditation, etc.

I hope to post on here a few times a week for you guys (all of my two followers) and come to you with some kind of inspiring words or just happy thoughts.

Blessings,

xx

p.s. Here is something that got me back on my blog:

TO BE A WITCH

By Tonia Brown aka Ziller aka Starkraven Madd.

To be a witch is to love and be loved.
To be a witch is to know everything, and nothing at all.
To be a witch is to move amongst the stars while staying on earth.
To be a witch is to change the world around you, and yourself.
To be a witch is to share and give, while receiving all the while.
To be a witch is to dance and sing, and hold hands with the universe.
To be a witch is to honor the gods, and yourself.
To be a witch is to Be Magick, not just perform it.
To be a witch is to be honorable, or nothing at all.
To be a witch is to accept others who are not.
To be a witch is to know what you feel is right and good.
To be a witch is to harm none.
To be a witch is to know the ways of old.
To be a witch is to see beyond the barriers.
To be a witch is to follow the moon.
To be a witch is to be one with the gods.
To be a witch is to study and to learn.
To be a witch is to be the teacher and the student.
To be a witch is to acknowledge the truth.
To be a witch is to live with the earth, not just on it.
To be a witch is to be truly free!

blessedbe.sugarbane.com

Turning Toward the Holidays

Thanksgiving is over. Now I turn to the rest of the Holiday season. My family celebrates Christmas. They have Christian roots, but now it's very secular. It's just about gathering with the family. Spreading cheer that we all survived another year and enjoying the food and weather that comes with the season.

Naturally, I look toward Yule. I look toward the return of the sun. I feel cheerful and I love the feelings and the food and the traditions.

For some reason it also reminds me to take care of myself. With the history of an eating disorder always in my mind, this time of the year is when I feel a strong presence in the Lord and Lady. I feel them reminding me that I only need to take care of myself and be happy within myself to be truly happy in life. And it's true. It reminds me to return to my roots and what I'm most comfortable with. It remind me to completely be myself. In Boston, that's hard! It's difficult to be my own jeans, flannel, sneaker and boot wearing country girl that I am with the city influence all around me. Girls wear heels and dresses to class. Full hair and make-up. I can't do it. I will never be able to live in a city, away from nature, unable to access creatures and forests. It will never work. Coming close to Yule reminds me of this.

I've been struggling with my personal happiness. I realize that I need to re-kindle my relationship with the Lord and Lady in some way. ANY way. I've gotten away from it in college. And I need it back.

I say this many times a year, but it's so hard in college. I don't have my own space. Nobody really knows about my beliefs. I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing them yet. I'm having trouble with food and weight. There's a boy that I feel like I'm falling for completely and I don't know what to do about it besides what we're already doing. I just want my life to begin. I always think about these things during this time of year.

I won't even be home for Yule, most likely. I won't get to bake or cook. I won't get to help pick out a tree or decorate the house.

But I want this holiday season to be magical. Maybe I'll fall in love for the holidays. Just maybe I'll get something I want.

Lady of the Cemetery.

Moon:
What Made Me Smile: my friend, Cheyenne, who is already up in Boston. I miss her.
Song In My Head: The Friday Night Boys - Sorry I Stole Your Gurl

I had such an experience the other night.

Two friends and I went to the mall, just to be together since we're all going off to college and everything, and on our way home we went to this cemetery. It's supposedly haunted by this poor woman who drowned in a nearby swamp while going out to look for her husband in a snow storm in 1800. She is still buried in the cemetery, but her headstone was moved to discourage grave robbers. I had been once before, but hadn't gone very far in. Her presence is so palpable it can scare someone right off. But the three of us went in. And because no one was around we just talked to her. We told her we didn't want to do anything bad, that we just wanted to visit. We talked about her in kind ways, we told her how we hoped she would find her way, to cross over somehow. It was freezing. During the day, it was probably 75 degrees, and when we were there, it felt about 55. And then each of us had a brief chill, with no wind. It was like she was hugging us. And after that, any nerves or fears we had about the place were gone. We left at peace, and we felt very safe.

It was a truly touching experience. So many people go up there to try and record her on tape, to bother her for their own gain. I suppose it was nice for her to see some people who just wanted to talk to her. So now we plan on going back when we're all together again, bringing flowers and candles and just saying 'hello' to our new friend. 

I'll keep you all updated on my move to college, in Boston. It's in 6 days!

Blessings, 

Ellen

Ten Things I Can't Wait to Do In College: Pagan Edition

Moon: First Quarter; Scorpio
What Made Me Smile: The fact that my best friend gave me kraft microwave stuffing before leaving me to go to school.
Song In My Head: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now

I have about 11 days until I leave Connecticut to go to Emerson College to study Writing, Literature and Publishing. There is so many things I want to do and see, and I'm so excited. Here are ten of the most important, in no order, that have a little to do with religion.

1. Get my tattoo! When I hit Boston, and as soon as a friend of mine turns 18 (she's going to BU) we're going together to get our first tattoos. NOT matching, obviously, ugh. I have a few in mind. Like the Hungarian word for apple on the inside of my left wrist. "Alma". (It's a loooong story. Maybe I'll blog it sometime). Or, '142' on the inside of my left calf. or "Jennie" on the right side of my mid-back (my middle name, and my grandmother's first name. She passed of ovarian cancer 5 months before I was born). Still deciding exactly what it will be. 

2. Go for a run through the Common. My campus is literally on the common, my dorm is right across the street. So maybe I'll get some exercise that way.

3. Hitching a ride to Salem, MA for Samhain! I love Salem so much and I've always wanted to be there for Samhain, or any sabbat for that matter!

4. Going to see one of my favorite bands in October, This Providence. (Okay, not so Pagan. Aren't I allowed one?)

5. Hopefully finding someone who shares the religion! Someone I can talk to, learn with, laugh with. Someone who will understand when my chakras are out of whack and will help me fix it. 

6. Experiencing the wheel of the year in a completely different place than I'm used to. It'll be a trip! But I'm excited to see how the world works outside of my little hometown.

7. Going to a gathering to dance under the full moon. 

8. Being someplace where nobody knows me. I can finally reinvent myself and be the girl I want to be in the skin I want to be in. Have the beliefs I want to with no hiding at all. HERE I AM WORLD. I'm Wiccan, I practice Witchcraft and I'm DAMN PROUD. 

9. Having new inspiration for my writing. I think part of my writers block problem is the fact that I have the same old stale atmosphere. Boston will help in that way. Something new!

10. Carrying on with my life. Growing, shaping, forming. Moving on. 

and you? 

Blessings,

Ellen

Growth: Magickal, Spiritual, Mundane, Physical.

What Made Me Smile: Allan Hyde being just oh, so cuddly on True Blood.
Song In My Head: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez & The Jonas Brothers - Send It On

(SUCH A RANDOM SONG, I KNOW!)

As I continue on my way to beginning college, my life has been changing. There have been small, subtle changes that don't really affect my day-to-day living. There have been moderate changes that I am glad to make. There have also been changes in my personal philosophies that I am almost shocked to be making, and new ways of thinking that keep me excited about the future. It is the last category that I have noticed most recently.

When I'm talking with my best friend, suddenly I feel as if we don't have certain things in common anymore. Where we used to fool around saying we were going to marry this person, or that person...I say, well who knows what the future holds? And she doesn't understand. She, as a person, is afraid of change. I know this. But I've learned to embrace it, because I know that change is inevitable, and it's beautiful. I know she wants to keep the fun, fantastical inside jokes from high school, because it is all fun. But I'm also being serious. I know life isn't always about being serious, I'm such a goofball! But I'm afraid for her sometimes because she doesn't accept change. I feel sorry that she doesn't accept change.

I, for many year now, have planned on saving sex for marriage. I know that isn't how many Wiccans live, by any stretch! So it's not religious, obviously. It's more personal. And I have a promise ring that says "true love waits", because I believe it does. (I call it a promise ring rather than a purity ring. "Purity" ring makes it sound as if sex is dirty and makes someone impure. And we all know that isn't true, and that it's a beautiful part of human life.) But recently, I've been thinking on what it means to me. And I still do plan to wait until marriage. But at the same time, if I fall head-over-heels in love sometime during college and I trust my significant other completely and I feel comfortable taking that step, I just might. The point, is that I have decided to live a little more care-free. A little more spontaneous. By leaving a little bit of the future to fate, or to the Divine, life becomes a little more interesting! It's all a beautiful dance in this life. I am very happy to be living it. And I am accepting change. I am happy to leave a little something to chance. 

For once in my life, I feel safer free falling that being tied down.

Blessings,

Ellen

A Quick Note

Moon: IS CRAZY. It's making things go out of wack, have you noticed?
What Made Me Smile: Selena Gomez, she is the sweetest gal in hollywood these days.
Song In My Head: Demi Lovato - Every Time You Lie


Summertime is fun time.
This will be a random, nonsensical blog post to prove I'm still alive. I move into college on Sept. 6th and I'll be in BOSTON, MA! I can't wait to move up there, because it's just so beautiful and fun and full of endless possibilities.
And I believe that so, so much. It's the spark in the wind, the way that you can just hear fate whispering in your ear on sunny days. It's a beautiful thing.
This week, with the moon doing crazy things last night (new moon, solar eclipse, ect.) Tensions were realllyyyyy high in my house. Plus it was "that time" for me, so I was suuuuper angry at the world. I had to sit down in my room and listen to music, light incense and just chillll for a while to get back to my center and remember who I was and what was happening.

Things are much better now.
Want better updates from me?
www.twitter.com/its_ellen


Blessings,
Ellen

Return of Freedom and Happiness

Moon:
What Made Me Smile:
Song In My Head:

That last post was discerning. I promise that all is well. I went back to therapy, and my new therapist is a gem. She completely gets what's my beliefs and has a very...zen office that I love. I also got a job, at an equally zen juice/smoothie/coffee bar that I adore. School is out, my exams are over and I finally have some time to myself.

The day after Prom, I was able to have a conversation about Wicca with a few close friends, and one not-so-close friend. It was freeing. I feel so much more able to live in my own skin now that I'm mostly out of the broom closet. I recognize that not everybody can do this, but it is a wonderful gift. I realize that I really know what I practice, because I can answer everyone's questions with grace and knowledge.

I'm healthy again, and doing my best every day. With the help of the Lord and Lady, and a few extremely talented authors, I am reconnecting with my faith and everything around me. I love this time of year, because I feel like I can breathe again. Some days I just lay in the grass and watch the clouds pass over me. It is the most peaceful feeling to feel the Earth breathing under me, and everything filled with life and love and brightness. The breeze in the trees, and the collective smell of the flowers. I don't even mind the bugs. This time of year is also used to reconnect with myself and my body. I'm always healthier during the summer, eating right and exercising as much as I can. This is my last summer before college, and I know that the end of the summer will bring something new and exciting.

Ah, summer. Litha is just around the corner. Life is well, and I'm still doing evening devotions. I re-organized my books and my altar. I tossed all my old school items I wont need anymore. I'm overhauling my life and making room for the new. Why not give it a try?

Blessings,
Ellen

p.s. if you're a follower of my blog, what would you really like to see me blog about? I want this to be tailored to your needs, not mine. Paganism in the news or TV? Misconceptions and how they are handled? What are your questions and concerns? What can we learn together?