Turning Toward the Holidays

Thanksgiving is over. Now I turn to the rest of the Holiday season. My family celebrates Christmas. They have Christian roots, but now it's very secular. It's just about gathering with the family. Spreading cheer that we all survived another year and enjoying the food and weather that comes with the season.

Naturally, I look toward Yule. I look toward the return of the sun. I feel cheerful and I love the feelings and the food and the traditions.

For some reason it also reminds me to take care of myself. With the history of an eating disorder always in my mind, this time of the year is when I feel a strong presence in the Lord and Lady. I feel them reminding me that I only need to take care of myself and be happy within myself to be truly happy in life. And it's true. It reminds me to return to my roots and what I'm most comfortable with. It remind me to completely be myself. In Boston, that's hard! It's difficult to be my own jeans, flannel, sneaker and boot wearing country girl that I am with the city influence all around me. Girls wear heels and dresses to class. Full hair and make-up. I can't do it. I will never be able to live in a city, away from nature, unable to access creatures and forests. It will never work. Coming close to Yule reminds me of this.

I've been struggling with my personal happiness. I realize that I need to re-kindle my relationship with the Lord and Lady in some way. ANY way. I've gotten away from it in college. And I need it back.

I say this many times a year, but it's so hard in college. I don't have my own space. Nobody really knows about my beliefs. I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing them yet. I'm having trouble with food and weight. There's a boy that I feel like I'm falling for completely and I don't know what to do about it besides what we're already doing. I just want my life to begin. I always think about these things during this time of year.

I won't even be home for Yule, most likely. I won't get to bake or cook. I won't get to help pick out a tree or decorate the house.

But I want this holiday season to be magical. Maybe I'll fall in love for the holidays. Just maybe I'll get something I want.