What Made Me Smile: BH 90210. again.
Song In My Head: Demi Lovato - Trainwreck
It's the end of the weekend, I should be finishing my homework, but I've also been neglecting my blog! And to tell the truth - I may have been avoiding it for some reason.
When I was going into high school (so four years ago, I graduate next month) I dealt with a bout of depression. I was in therapy for two years, and eventually I crawled out of that hole for a while. However, not too long after that, I developed an eating disorder. I didn't go into therapy for that - nobody knew about it. But I dealt with that for...oh a year and a half. Five months ago I sat down seriously to kick it out of my life - forever if I could. And I was doing very, very well.
Recently, as I've decided on my college decisions, and the year is coming to a close, I feel that dark presence looming over me again. It started with being tired all the time. Then I realized I was secluding myself. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to be with my friends, I didn't want to socialize or talk to people. I was crying for no reason. My dad suggested I could be depressed, and that made me cry. And every night as I sat to speak with the Lord and Lady I prayed that I could find within myself a way out - a way to help myself feel better and get back to who I am. Meanwhile, I had my mom find me a new therapist, and I started eating less, exercising more.
Don't fear for me. I believe with help I can pull out again. I am very well aware that I will have continuing problems with depression my whole life, and I will always have an unstable relationship with food. [at this moment, you're thinking "Okay, Ellen, how does this relate to spirituality and paganism?" It does, I promise] I just have to want to get better badly enough before I get in too deep. I don't want to have a problem. I want to be happy and fulfilled. But I know it has to come from within myself. There is something off-balance inside of me and I need to take a little retreat into myself to find out what it is and repair it. I know, though, that the Lord and Lady are right next to me. I can look anywhere at all and feel them there, re-assuring me that I'm not a bad person, I just need a little help.
So I propose this: that I try to do three things that made me happy - no - euphoric, every day. Such as...
1. writing
2. lyrical dancing to my ipod around my living room
3. belting out songs while I play the piano
4. taking a walk to the cemetery to be alone with nature
5. laying in the grass as I watch my cat play with the moths
6. watching Two and a Half Men
7. reading Byron in bed by candlelight
8. baking! cooking!
you get the idea. These are some of my favorite things in the world. I hope to do them. Because if these things make me happy, I can be a better Wiccan, a better me.
Blessings,
Ellen
p.s. swine flu! ah!
p.p.s. more Pagan focus next time - promise. I'll write about upcoming sabbats and my summer plans.
