Walking With the Wheel

Sounds of the Birds and the Moat

2011-04-10T05:53:00.003-04:00

Moon: 1st; Cancer

What Made Me Smile: My friend getting the letter I left in her mailbox.

Song In My Head: The Pretty Reckless - Nothing Left to Lose

Hi all,

I hope you still know I exist. It's been a year...almost a year and a half...since I last wrote here. But I want to try and get back into it. I miss blogging for real. I have a tumblr, but it's for angry, one word posts and lots of pictures of Miley Cyrus and Henry Cavill. This blog used to be something that I truly cherished. I knew that I could talk about my daily life, my religion, my eating disorder, all freely. I never felt afraid of it and I want that comfort again.

Well, I've been living in The Netherlands this past semester, since the end of January. I'm on a Study Abroad program for school. I'm in my sophomore year and I go home in about ten days. I wish I could take one paragraph to tell you all about it, but I can't. These past few months have done horrible and wonderful things to me. I'll sum it up as best as I can in a few paragraphs.

I've been to Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, Krakow, London, Nice and a dozen little places in between. I saw the horrors of Auschwitz firsthand, and fell in love with an Australian Matt Damon look-a-like in London. I got over my homesickness in Prague Castle, and got a sunburn on the mediterranean in the south of France. I learned enough French to get me around in Nice, and I explored history from Hitler to the Cold War in Berlin. I've made so many friends and gotten through so much.

I've had eating disorder relapses, and recoveries, and more relapses. I'm in a recovery phase now and so far, so good. Sometimes it lasts a few weeks, sometimes it lasts a few hours. But I'm working through it one day at a time. And I know that as soon as I get home it will be a little bit better.

I had a huge, huge bout of homesickness in February. I was crying, depressed. I didn't want to see anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I didn't want to travel. I was throwing up. A lot. Prague and London pulled me out of it. After Spring break I was happier again. I was feeling 'me' again. As for practicing...I haven' t been. I really can't. I'm living in a castle for crying out loud. I can't exactly burn candles or incense. And my roommate is very Christian. I have a little buddha statue on my desk, among a few crystals and stones and a corked bottle of salt. I sit outside on a blanket and feel the sun on my neck and hear the birds and ducks converse. I try to get to the lake to just sit with nature. It's all I can to do stay sane.

I've been listening to country music like a crazy person. I've had realizations. I have goals in life. I want to work for a magazine. Like Seventeen or Marie Claire. I want to be a back-up singer or back-up dancer. I want to settle down somewhere in the south (not TOO south like - Virginia...in the north) have a beautiful victorian house with three kids and a husband who loves to work outside. I used to only want to adopt children. But as I recover from my eating disorders, I'm thinking more about what it would be like to have a child of my very own. That will be my recover point. When I feel as if I can have a child, bear a child, and not feel bad or guilty about weight gain, then I will be fully recovered.

I don't know if you guys have heard about Demi Lovato. She went into treatment in November citing "physical and emotional issues". Fans recognized her eating disorder and cutting. We'd all seen it. She's out now, and I couldn't be more proud of her for taking the step she needed to get better. She's back and more beautiful than ever. She's pairing up with Seventeen magazine to be a contributing editor and help out girls who may be going through similar issues. She is truly a hero of mine. And I've already designed my next tattoo, in honor of her, that I'm getting this summer as my 20th birthday gift to myself. And I hope it reminds me that recovery is where I want to be.

I'm back here because I've been using stumbleupon to find some new spiritual/pagan/wiccan websites that might lead me to some inspiration. I'm truly a spiritual being at heart. I've been doing yoga more again and trying to get back to good meditation, etc.

I hope to post on here a few times a week for you guys (all of my two followers) and come to you with some kind of inspiring words or just happy thoughts.

Blessings,

p.s. Here is something that got me back on my blog:

TO BE A WITCH

By Tonia Brown aka Ziller aka Starkraven Madd.

To be a witch is to love and be loved.
To be a witch is to know everything, and nothing at all.
To be a witch is to move amongst the stars while staying on earth.
To be a witch is to change the world around you, and yourself.
To be a witch is to share and give, while receiving all the while.
To be a witch is to dance and sing, and hold hands with the universe.
To be a witch is to honor the gods, and yourself.
To be a witch is to Be Magick, not just perform it.
To be a witch is to be honorable, or nothing at all.
To be a witch is to accept others who are not.
To be a witch is to know what you feel is right and good.
To be a witch is to harm none.
To be a witch is to know the ways of old.
To be a witch is to see beyond the barriers.
To be a witch is to follow the moon.
To be a witch is to be one with the gods.
To be a witch is to study and to learn.
To be a witch is to be the teacher and the student.
To be a witch is to acknowledge the truth.
To be a witch is to live with the earth, not just on it.
To be a witch is to be truly free!

blessedbe.sugarbane.com

Turning Toward the Holidays

2009-11-27T17:38:00.004-05:00

Thanksgiving is over. Now I turn to the rest of the Holiday season. My family celebrates Christmas. They have Christian roots, but now it's very secular. It's just about gathering with the family. Spreading cheer that we all survived another year and enjoying the food and weather that comes with the season.

Naturally, I look toward Yule. I look toward the return of the sun. I feel cheerful and I love the feelings and the food and the traditions.

For some reason it also reminds me to take care of myself. With the history of an eating disorder always in my mind, this time of the year is when I feel a strong presence in the Lord and Lady. I feel them reminding me that I only need to take care of myself and be happy within myself to be truly happy in life. And it's true. It reminds me to return to my roots and what I'm most comfortable with. It remind me to completely be myself. In Boston, that's hard! It's difficult to be my own jeans, flannel, sneaker and boot wearing country girl that I am with the city influence all around me. Girls wear heels and dresses to class. Full hair and make-up. I can't do it. I will never be able to live in a city, away from nature, unable to access creatures and forests. It will never work. Coming close to Yule reminds me of this.

I've been struggling with my personal happiness. I realize that I need to re-kindle my relationship with the Lord and Lady in some way. ANY way. I've gotten away from it in college. And I need it back.

I say this many times a year, but it's so hard in college. I don't have my own space. Nobody really knows about my beliefs. I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing them yet. I'm having trouble with food and weight. There's a boy that I feel like I'm falling for completely and I don't know what to do about it besides what we're already doing. I just want my life to begin. I always think about these things during this time of year.

I won't even be home for Yule, most likely. I won't get to bake or cook. I won't get to help pick out a tree or decorate the house.

But I want this holiday season to be magical. Maybe I'll fall in love for the holidays. Just maybe I'll get something I want.

Lady of the Cemetery.

2009-08-30T15:23:00.002-04:00

Moon:
What Made Me Smile: my friend, Cheyenne, who is already up in Boston. I miss her.
Song In My Head: The Friday Night Boys - Sorry I Stole Your Gurl

I had such an experience the other night.

Two friends and I went to the mall, just to be together since we're all going off to college and everything, and on our way home we went to this cemetery. It's supposedly haunted by this poor woman who drowned in a nearby swamp while going out to look for her husband in a snow storm in 1800. She is still buried in the cemetery, but her headstone was moved to discourage grave robbers. I had been once before, but hadn't gone very far in. Her presence is so palpable it can scare someone right off. But the three of us went in. And because no one was around we just talked to her. We told her we didn't want to do anything bad, that we just wanted to visit. We talked about her in kind ways, we told her how we hoped she would find her way, to cross over somehow. It was freezing. During the day, it was probably 75 degrees, and when we were there, it felt about 55. And then each of us had a brief chill, with no wind. It was like she was hugging us. And after that, any nerves or fears we had about the place were gone. We left at peace, and we felt very safe.

It was a truly touching experience. So many people go up there to try and record her on tape, to bother her for their own gain. I suppose it was nice for her to see some people who just wanted to talk to her. So now we plan on going back when we're all together again, bringing flowers and candles and just saying 'hello' to our new friend.

I'll keep you all updated on my move to college, in Boston. It's in 6 days!

Blessings,

Ellen

Ten Things I Can't Wait to Do In College: Pagan Edition

2009-08-26T17:06:00.004-04:00

Moon: First Quarter; Scorpio
What Made Me Smile: The fact that my best friend gave me kraft microwave stuffing before leaving me to go to school.
Song In My Head: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now

I have about 11 days until I leave Connecticut to go to Emerson College to study Writing, Literature and Publishing. There is so many things I want to do and see, and I'm so excited. Here are ten of the most important, in no order, that have a little to do with religion.

1. Get my tattoo! When I hit Boston, and as soon as a friend of mine turns 18 (she's going to BU) we're going together to get our first tattoos. NOT matching, obviously, ugh. I have a few in mind. Like the Hungarian word for apple on the inside of my left wrist. "Alma". (It's a loooong story. Maybe I'll blog it sometime). Or, '142' on the inside of my left calf. or "Jennie" on the right side of my mid-back (my middle name, and my grandmother's first name. She passed of ovarian cancer 5 months before I was born). Still deciding exactly what it will be.

2. Go for a run through the Common. My campus is literally on the common, my dorm is right across the street. So maybe I'll get some exercise that way.

3. Hitching a ride to Salem, MA for Samhain! I love Salem so much and I've always wanted to be there for Samhain, or any sabbat for that matter!

4. Going to see one of my favorite bands in October, This Providence. (Okay, not so Pagan. Aren't I allowed one?)

5. Hopefully finding someone who shares the religion! Someone I can talk to, learn with, laugh with. Someone who will understand when my chakras are out of whack and will help me fix it.

6. Experiencing the wheel of the year in a completely different place than I'm used to. It'll be a trip! But I'm excited to see how the world works outside of my little hometown.

7. Going to a gathering to dance under the full moon.

8. Being someplace where nobody knows me. I can finally reinvent myself and be the girl I want to be in the skin I want to be in. Have the beliefs I want to with no hiding at all. HERE I AM WORLD. I'm Wiccan, I practice Witchcraft and I'm DAMN PROUD.

9. Having new inspiration for my writing. I think part of my writers block problem is the fact that I have the same old stale atmosphere. Boston will help in that way. Something new!

10. Carrying on with my life. Growing, shaping, forming. Moving on.

and you?

Blessings,

Ellen

Growth: Magickal, Spiritual, Mundane, Physical.

2009-08-09T22:58:00.003-04:00

What Made Me Smile: Allan Hyde being just oh, so cuddly on True Blood.
Song In My Head: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez & The Jonas Brothers - Send It On

(SUCH A RANDOM SONG, I KNOW!)

As I continue on my way to beginning college, my life has been changing. There have been small, subtle changes that don't really affect my day-to-day living. There have been moderate changes that I am glad to make. There have also been changes in my personal philosophies that I am almost shocked to be making, and new ways of thinking that keep me excited about the future. It is the last category that I have noticed most recently.

When I'm talking with my best friend, suddenly I feel as if we don't have certain things in common anymore. Where we used to fool around saying we were going to marry this person, or that person...I say, well who knows what the future holds? And she doesn't understand. She, as a person, is afraid of change. I know this. But I've learned to embrace it, because I know that change is inevitable, and it's beautiful. I know she wants to keep the fun, fantastical inside jokes from high school, because it is all fun. But I'm also being serious. I know life isn't always about being serious, I'm such a goofball! But I'm afraid for her sometimes because she doesn't accept change. I feel sorry that she doesn't accept change.

I, for many year now, have planned on saving sex for marriage. I know that isn't how many Wiccans live, by any stretch! So it's not religious, obviously. It's more personal. And I have a promise ring that says "true love waits", because I believe it does. (I call it a promise ring rather than a purity ring. "Purity" ring makes it sound as if sex is dirty and makes someone impure. And we all know that isn't true, and that it's a beautiful part of human life.) But recently, I've been thinking on what it means to me. And I still do plan to wait until marriage. But at the same time, if I fall head-over-heels in love sometime during college and I trust my significant other completely and I feel comfortable taking that step, I just might. The point, is that I have decided to live a little more care-free. A little more spontaneous. By leaving a little bit of the future to fate, or to the Divine, life becomes a little more interesting! It's all a beautiful dance in this life. I am very happy to be living it. And I am accepting change. I am happy to leave a little something to chance.

For once in my life, I feel safer free falling that being tied down.

Blessings,

Ellen

A Quick Note

2009-07-22T21:45:00.002-04:00

Moon: IS CRAZY. It's making things go out of wack, have you noticed?
What Made Me Smile: Selena Gomez, she is the sweetest gal in hollywood these days.
Song In My Head: Demi Lovato - Every Time You Lie

Summertime is fun time.
This will be a random, nonsensical blog post to prove I'm still alive. I move into college on Sept. 6th and I'll be in BOSTON, MA! I can't wait to move up there, because it's just so beautiful and fun and full of endless possibilities.
And I believe that so, so much. It's the spark in the wind, the way that you can just hear fate whispering in your ear on sunny days. It's a beautiful thing.
This week, with the moon doing crazy things last night (new moon, solar eclipse, ect.) Tensions were realllyyyyy high in my house. Plus it was "that time" for me, so I was suuuuper angry at the world. I had to sit down in my room and listen to music, light incense and just chillll for a while to get back to my center and remember who I was and what was happening.

Things are much better now.
Want better updates from me?
www.twitter.com/its_ellen

Blessings,
Ellen

Return of Freedom and Happiness

2009-06-10T16:30:00.002-04:00

Moon:
What Made Me Smile:
Song In My Head:

That last post was discerning. I promise that all is well. I went back to therapy, and my new therapist is a gem. She completely gets what's my beliefs and has a very...zen office that I love. I also got a job, at an equally zen juice/smoothie/coffee bar that I adore. School is out, my exams are over and I finally have some time to myself.

The day after Prom, I was able to have a conversation about Wicca with a few close friends, and one not-so-close friend. It was freeing. I feel so much more able to live in my own skin now that I'm mostly out of the broom closet. I recognize that not everybody can do this, but it is a wonderful gift. I realize that I really know what I practice, because I can answer everyone's questions with grace and knowledge.

I'm healthy again, and doing my best every day. With the help of the Lord and Lady, and a few extremely talented authors, I am reconnecting with my faith and everything around me. I love this time of year, because I feel like I can breathe again. Some days I just lay in the grass and watch the clouds pass over me. It is the most peaceful feeling to feel the Earth breathing under me, and everything filled with life and love and brightness. The breeze in the trees, and the collective smell of the flowers. I don't even mind the bugs. This time of year is also used to reconnect with myself and my body. I'm always healthier during the summer, eating right and exercising as much as I can. This is my last summer before college, and I know that the end of the summer will bring something new and exciting.

Ah, summer. Litha is just around the corner. Life is well, and I'm still doing evening devotions. I re-organized my books and my altar. I tossed all my old school items I wont need anymore. I'm overhauling my life and making room for the new. Why not give it a try?

Blessings,
Ellen

p.s. if you're a follower of my blog, what would you really like to see me blog about? I want this to be tailored to your needs, not mine. Paganism in the news or TV? Misconceptions and how they are handled? What are your questions and concerns? What can we learn together?

The Clouds Overhead

2009-05-03T11:07:00.003-04:00

Moon: 2nd Quarter; Virgo @ 12:37 AM
What Made Me Smile: BH 90210. again.
Song In My Head: Demi Lovato - Trainwreck

It's the end of the weekend, I should be finishing my homework, but I've also been neglecting my blog! And to tell the truth - I may have been avoiding it for some reason.

When I was going into high school (so four years ago, I graduate next month) I dealt with a bout of depression. I was in therapy for two years, and eventually I crawled out of that hole for a while. However, not too long after that, I developed an eating disorder. I didn't go into therapy for that - nobody knew about it. But I dealt with that for...oh a year and a half. Five months ago I sat down seriously to kick it out of my life - forever if I could. And I was doing very, very well.

Recently, as I've decided on my college decisions, and the year is coming to a close, I feel that dark presence looming over me again. It started with being tired all the time. Then I realized I was secluding myself. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to be with my friends, I didn't want to socialize or talk to people. I was crying for no reason. My dad suggested I could be depressed, and that made me cry. And every night as I sat to speak with the Lord and Lady I prayed that I could find within myself a way out - a way to help myself feel better and get back to who I am. Meanwhile, I had my mom find me a new therapist, and I started eating less, exercising more.

Don't fear for me. I believe with help I can pull out again. I am very well aware that I will have continuing problems with depression my whole life, and I will always have an unstable relationship with food. [at this moment, you're thinking "Okay, Ellen, how does this relate to spirituality and paganism?" It does, I promise] I just have to want to get better badly enough before I get in too deep. I don't want to have a problem. I want to be happy and fulfilled. But I know it has to come from within myself. There is something off-balance inside of me and I need to take a little retreat into myself to find out what it is and repair it. I know, though, that the Lord and Lady are right next to me. I can look anywhere at all and feel them there, re-assuring me that I'm not a bad person, I just need a little help.

So I propose this: that I try to do three things that made me happy - no - euphoric, every day. Such as...
1. writing
2. lyrical dancing to my ipod around my living room
3. belting out songs while I play the piano
4. taking a walk to the cemetery to be alone with nature
5. laying in the grass as I watch my cat play with the moths
6. watching Two and a Half Men
7. reading Byron in bed by candlelight
8. baking! cooking!

you get the idea. These are some of my favorite things in the world. I hope to do them. Because if these things make me happy, I can be a better Wiccan, a better me.

Blessings,
Ellen

p.s. swine flu! ah!
p.p.s. more Pagan focus next time - promise. I'll write about upcoming sabbats and my summer plans.

Good and Bad. Hey, that's life.

2009-04-08T19:50:00.002-04:00

Moon: 2nd Quarter; Libra
What Made Me Smile: Not very much, unfortunately.
Song In My Head: Spill Canvas - One Thing is For Sure

I took some notes again this afternoon about what I wanted to write about, and as of now I have been procrastinating and just getting on here now. Forgive me!

Beltane is my first subject.
As someone who is...half in the closet, I always find sabbats difficult, and it shouldn't be that way at all. But I never find time to do a ritual. Or there are complications involving the ritual. I don't give myself enough time for alter decoration or any real reflection on the day. And it really upsets me, as it should. I am sure as I get older, more organized, and have more freedom, I will be better able to celebrate as I want to. Because at the moment, my altar is a 1.5 foot across breakfast-in-bed tray, and my area is three feet wide and six feet long. It's not too comfortable. This is what I generally associate/use for my Beltane.

General Symbols/Classic ideas: The Maypole, Flowers & Greenery, Beltane Fires, The Morning May dew, fertility, love, union.

Crafts & Magick: faeries! Like Samhain, Beltane is a prime faerie communication time. Just be careful not to get stuck in any rings. I haven't gotten comfortable enough yet to try to approach the fae...but one day...

I love the idea of flower crowns. I think they're very classic and a beautful statement of Beltane. They make me feel old fashioned, mystical and almost like a faerie of my own! If you buy one, that's great. If you want to make one that can last forever, fake flowers are a good idea, or if you'd rather make a ritual in itself out of the act, fresh flowers make a beautiful statement.

Some people go for a miniature maypole for their altar. Classic colors are, obviously, red and white. But good colors for the holday can be pastels. Light pinks, yellows, blues, etc.

I have a few books, all offering recepes, crafts, meditations. I normally go by those. They help. At this point in my life, It is more important to me to connect with the year and the changing world.

II.
On more of a downer note...I'm bitchy. I'm sad, tired and bitchy. I don't think I'm pre-menstrual, but you never know. My mom says that if I don't feel better, I need to get tested for mono. Somehow, I don't think it's physical. I feel weird...off balance. And I guess I don't know how to deal. I haven't looked into my books as of yet, I'm hoping it's just the result of stress and all I need is a few good nights of sleep.

I go on spring break soon, but it will still be pretty stressfull, homework and such. I'm getting BEAT UP for trying my best, not getting a job, all these other things. I hate to complain. I just don't know what to do exactly. Wow, worst ramble, worst blog ever.

Blessings,

xx

When the Magickal and Mundane Collide

2009-03-10T19:48:00.004-04:00

Moon: Full at 10:39PM; Virgo
What Made Me Smile: Tom Felton's Twitter updates today.
Song In My Head: The Fray - You Found Me

A Few Points I want to hit today - hopefully in the eight minutes before House comes on.

But first a random thought: I laughed this afternoon when I looked at the array of items on my bed while I was doing homework. My math book was open to the homework page, my history book open in my lap, my Witch's datebook and a Wicca reference book were both open to wherever I had left off, and my phone was lit up with text messages. Funny how worlds collide when you're one with your beliefs.

My daily devotions have become a huge part of my life. For a long time, I never thought about devotions, or even realized what they were. But after reading several books that mentioned the importance of this kind of practice, I turned devotions into a daily part of my life. In the morning, I get up, go to my altar, light a candle or two and some incense, ground and center and say a few words of greeting to the Lord and Lady. Sometimes they're my own words pre-planned words, or someone else's, or completely spontaneous, depending on my mood. I sit for a moment, breathe, meditate and ground and center once more before getting up to start my day.
Similarly, right before I hop into bed, I have the same pattern, just changing the words as they apply. I also will say mini-prayers throughout the day.
I can confidently say that my days have been better since I started doing devotions and more frequent meditations. I can handle problems better throughout the day and I am in a calmer state for most of the time. This will connect with my next story.

Today in class, we were supposed to watch a movie. Then, a certain someone who I dislike asked if we were having a make-up quiz. So my teacher, of course, agreed and suddenly we have a quiz in front of us. I can't find my note's (we're allowed to use them) because I wasn't expecting to have a quiz today. So I ended up getting a very bad grade on the quiz, because of guessing on most of the questions. I was visibly upset, but my teacher had no sympathy (but I understand why). I was mostly angry, because it didn't seem fair. And in a sudden burst of helplessness I whispered in my head "Lady, help me to be strong." And almost immediately I felt the Lady's glow upon me, a comforting warmth that told me it was okay to be upset, but to learn from what happened and just do better next time. And I felt better. I resolved to never let it happen again. I love that feeling.

Blessings,
Ellen

Back to the Altar

2009-03-08T19:28:00.002-04:00

Moon: 2nd Quarter; Leo
What Made Me Smile: Breakfast with the family for my mom's birthday.
Song In My Head: Van Morrison - Lover's Prayer

Today I did homework, and then went out for lunch. But when I got back I was doing some reading.

I have never really had a "proper" altar, and I never had a problem with that. It was a nook here, a little area of my room that I could put down and take up when I needed to. Most recently, it was the edge of my bookshelf, which was in a perfect place for me to sit, meditate, do yoga near, and it was right by the window. But I wanted something a little more, I feel as if I've reached that point.

I pulled out my books, and read about what various authors had to say about altars, and some of it was a little too much for my little table (a breakfast-in-bed table that measures about 2 feet wide and 1 foot from back to front, and about 1 foot off the ground). My bookshelf altar consisted of about three candles, a few gemstones and some special decorations around Sabbats. My incense was on the shelf above. It was more for a daily spiritual practice, I always made a portable altar for ritual and spellwork.

For my new little altar, I chose a flower patterned place mat from the drawer in the kitchen, cleansed everything, and set up new, yet simple, items on my new altar. I have two candles centered, a taller one behind the smaller one, and my amethyst stone in front of that. To the left I have a shell, a piece of rose quarts and a crystal. To the far right I have a pine cone, a piece of bloodstone, and a small standing incense burner (currently with rose incense). For me, it is elaborate enough to attune properly with the God and Goddess and do some spellwork, but simple enough to not get overly cluttered, or worry about my cat going crazy while I'm at school. It's also something I'll have to get used to - I'll be in college this fall, and most likely traveling to England next January, so space will be limited.

It's important to remember that Wicca is not about the elaborate tools, set-ups, or even words. It's how we feel and how we know what is real and what we can do. It's that pulse in our hearts when we feel in complete sync with the Lord and Lady and all of the Universe and all of our brothers and sisters. That is the only thing that needs to be elaborate: our hearts, our minds, our feelings.

Blessings,
Ellen

No New Ideas...

2009-02-28T19:43:00.002-05:00

What Made Me Smile: Buying my prom dress!
Song In My Head: Plain White T's - 1,2,3,4.

Yeah, I bought my prom dress today. It was exciting. It was actually the very first one I tried on. I tried it once and put it back so I could look at others, and I went around the whole mall and came back to the first one and still loved it, so I bought it! I think prom is pretty over rated, but I love this dress so much.

I have hard times thinking of things to blog when it comes to Wiccan and Pagan topics. So until I come up with something wonderful I'll just say thank you to the people who have been visiting and for the comments and I really hope you keep returning. Once my life calms down and I have more ideas to write about, posting will be more frequent. Anything you need me to address? Please let me know, leave me a comment and I'll see what I can do!

Blessings.

The Daily Obstacles

2009-02-13T19:58:00.002-05:00

Moon: 3rd Quarter; Libra
What Made Me Smile: My friend buying me orange juice at lunch because I'm getting a cold.
Song In My Head: Demi Lovato - Until You're Mine

I was supposed to do some spellwork tonight, I had planned it all week, the moon is perfect tonight for what I want to do, and everything fell right into place at the beginning of the week. For reference purposes, it was a sort of half healing/banishment of pain for myself. I've been in a little of a rough patch.

Anyway, then I find out that a member of my parents/grandparents family has passed away, and the funeral is tomorrow. So my grandparents arrived this afternoon. My Roman-Catholic, devout grandparents, who have no idea of my religion. I love them, don't get me wrong. I really do and they honestly have little time left, unfortunately.

But then I also got sick today, around my fifth period class, an earsplitting headache, a cough....and just feeling run down. I don't tend to do spellwork when I'm ill, for fear of messing something up and not being able to raise enough energy to pull through.

So it started me thinking...maybe I'm not meant to get over this. It's a person, and I was trying to lessen the pain of loosing them and realizing I wont be with them. I was going to banish that pain and leave nothing but good memories and friendly air. But with all of these things going wrong, it is either A: The Divine's way of telling me not to do the spell. or B: The Divine's way of giving me a little push to do it even with the few difficulties.

It's quite easy to do, I can wait until my grandparents go to sleep, they're older...so it will be reasonably early. But I think I'm going to meditate first on the subject, and see what I'm supposed to do. I really couldn't imagine doing any spellwork right now, my head is pounding and I don't know how I'm looking at the computer screen.

But maybe doing the spell will unclog some yucky nasties in me. Who knows.

Talk To Me

2009-02-09T20:10:00.002-05:00

Moon: oh, it's very full and beautiful.
What Made Me Smile: a friend saying I had great hair, under the stage lights.
Song In My Head: Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat - Lucky

I am watching Gossip Girl, so this is a warning that this may be a disconnected entry. Chuck Bass is on screen.

I wanted to write something of consequence tonight, as it's the full moon, and it was a fairly good day.
School can be pretty awkward sometimes, though. I several friends from very different backgrounds. I have athiest friends, agnostic friends, mormon, catholic, jewish.

And we all get along, (with the exception of one asshole that I can not stand. I don't hate anyone...but him....) so it doesn't bother me. But now, as more people know about my religion, I think about it more. I feel more exposed. And I don't want to loose some friends that I have, just because of what I believe in and practice. Obviously, if I was following a more mainstream path, it wouldn't be as difficult.

But because we are so left-field, it's different. What happens when close friends just leave? What happens when I'm not comfortable having certain discussions because of what that discussion could lead to? What happens when I want to hit certain people for being arrogant pricks?

I'm still learning, I'm still growing, and I'm still learning to accept the fact that I may never be perfectly blended in society...but I can be perfectly blended in myself and with the world around me.

What to Expect From Me and How I Opened the Closet Door

2009-02-08T14:38:00.005-05:00

Moon: 2nd Quarter; Leo
What Made Me Smile: Emile Hirsch, Posting my religion on Facebook for the first time.
Song In My Head: Duffy - Serious

The idea to create a blog came sort of out of nowhere. I have a livejournal, that is updated often with my life, funny stories, random moments, and days at school. But this is a different place. This is a place where my spirituality melds with the rest of my life.

In general, it is to give fellow Wiccans a place to read my ideas, share their own, and find support because - especially for fellow solitairies - this can be a lonely road. But we don't have to be alone.

It is also a personal chance to write more. As a writer, I'm told to write every day. I try to, but hopefully this will give me more of a push to do just that. I love to write and to share through writing. To me, it is one of the most beautiful gifts from the world. So, onto my topic for today...

I live in a fairly small "city". I put city in quotes because techincally, where I live is a city...but it is small, and we see the same people every day, so it just doesn't feel that way. I tend to call it a town. We have three churches downtown, of various Christian denominations, and I grew up going to a Church in a neighborning city.

I won't get into my history in Christianity, that I will save for another date. Long story short - I wasn't satisfied. I came to Wicca by chance, but I believe that this is the way it was meant to be all along. Two things happened to me at about the same time. One was researching Wicca on a rainy day, and the second was someone of a mentor entering my life. I will be honest; I did not expect to find much from Wicca at first. I did not expect a religion, security and a life.

What I found was the most wonderful, extraorindary way of living that I will ever know. It surpassed all my dreams of religions passed - and I was only twelve years old. Most of my research at first was online. I wasn't ready to talk to my parents about this, and I didn't know what to look for in the form of books. At the beginning, I had NO idea what I was doing. It took me a long time to buy books online - and even more confidence to buy them in stores.

It's been nearly two years since I completed my year-and-a-day. And I have gone through dry spells (pun intended), and joyous occasions of feeling divinity in my veins. And just today did I post my religious affiliation on my Facebook account. And strangely, in the last five years, the attitudes of people have not changed so much in my eyes. I still hear ridicule, see unbelieveable stereotypes, and hear laughter. But I've opened the closet door. I went from a time when I was huddling in the corner, reading by candlelight in that lonely closet.

With the help of the Lord and Lady, I have followed the Wheel of the Year, and grown with it. And now the door is open, and I'm standing on the threshold.

Blessings,
Ellen